My Addictions

Photo Credit: Scott Martin

Photo Credit: Scott Martin

Daily I'm scared of how much I love and need this way of life. I'll fall behind on bills and blow off family for it. I can't sit still. My rest days are ridden with guilt, very few and far between, and my body hurts for it. 

I have moments where I wonder if this is it? Have I just been fucking around this whole time and now it's time to suck it up and work for a paycheck.

All of this feels too good to give up. 

I have an addictive personality. It's why I never tried drugs. 

When I love something I really fucking love it. It'll consume me and I'll forget all about you, all about the anxiety and exist only for this moment that I love so much. 

I'm so far from the ideal partner. Not many people can accept that they may sometimes come second to the water and the waves.

I've done that. 

I've dropped everything for a man. 

Altered my course and my personality to be that piece of the puzzle we are both looking for. 

It's a sad thing when you lose yourself because you want it, so desperately, to be love. 

I'm addicted to only a few things, love being one of them. I can listen to love songs with such intensity that I want to push fate and make you the "one". 

I'm consumed with passion and if I don't have someone to share it with I feel like I'll explode. I want love and I want intimacy but yet I make myself undateable. It's a very confusing place to be. 

Surfing possesses many qualities I seek in a partner. 

Someone who can adapt. Comfortable being in a state of perpetual motion. 

Someone who can make me 100% present. 

Who can lift me up. 

Who can cleanse me. 

Someone who can prove to me that sex is better than surfing.  

Someone who I'll blow off work and miss a family reunion for.

If you can challenge me.

If you can lull me to sleep with the sound of your breath like the crashing of waves on a beach. 

If you can take me for what I am.

Then I promise I will never let you go. Otherwise I will only know love for something incapable of loving me back. And if I can't have you the water will always have me and hold me until I want it to let me go.