Being back on the road and surrounded by people every single day has been a great challenge for me, in a good way. I was so hard on myself over the weekend of Paddlefest for not honoring my morning routine...I allowed it to throw me off mentally instead of accepting that every now and then I'm going to miss a journal entry or go days without meditating. Routine is great but it's also important to be flexible and hold space for yourself to miss a day or two or five. Sometimes you have no choice but to make your number one priority sleep and work.
Being surrounded by the river community has been wonderful....I love seeing all the familiar faces and catching up on how everyone's Winter went. But these events can also be overwhelming and take some adjusting, especially after a Winter of my only company being Heather and a dog. I had to be very flexible and accept getting pulled off course due to a run in with good friends. This is a different kind of year for me. It was the first Paddlefest I wasn't drinking (and the first pfest where I wasn't hungover) and the first year that I've really been honoring my commitments and the things I need to be my best self. I have these routines set in place for a reason and one is to help me stay on track with my one year of sobriety and my lifetime of work on my personal mental health and clarity.
Summer's past I would suffer from such intense fomo, always worrying I was missing out on something....inducing a very intense anxiety that would take precedent over my mental and physical needs for overall health. THis has resulted in me getting very sick multiple times in a season. I was worried about letting people down and not living up to certain expectations that I thought others had for me. I wanted to be the chill girl that was up for anything, that could party hard and paddle 10 miles the next day without skipping a beat. But truth be told that is not me. I am not the yes girl.
I feel my absolute best when I'm in bed by 9:30 and up by 6:30. It truly bothers me when people try to pressure me into staying up late when I don’t want to. I don’t mind staying up past my bedtime when I have the freedom to sleep in and get my full eight hours…otherwise let me go the fuck to sleep 😴 I use to worry I would be perceived as boring so I would muscle through and have a few drinks to help bring me to the level of everyone else. But I'm done with that life. There will be times when I want to go to yoga instead of surfing because I listen to my body and I know what it needs. I will no longer push my body to the brink of injury because I have now built up the strength to say no. There will be times where I don't want to talk and I'll want to be in silence (don't take it personal). And all of this is okay!
One night at Paddlefest I was feeling down on myself for not journaling or meditating that morning because we had a wicked early 7am meeting. Instead of wallowing I realized it didn’t matter if I did it in the morning or at midnight…what mattered is that I did it. So I broke away from the group…something I would have never done in the past because of the FOMO. I walked to the river with my journal, wrote, then closed myself up in my van and meditated, and crawled into bed before the sun went down. I don’t believe anything else could have brought me back to center as quickly and easily as those two actions did. It just solidified in me what I already knew…that these two things are crucial to my well being.
I’ve put in a lot of work to get to this point and will continue to do so. I have been trying to teach myself that I’m not in competition with everyone else…I’m not vying for the acceptance of others…I am me take me as I am or not at all. I have people that love me for me and that is enough.