I use to tip toe through this life like a mouse. I had a fear of upsetting the balance and creating confrontation. So I would move through space softly and quietly. Its been years of conditioning that have led me to believe I was always doing something wrong. And I would believe every single person that told me I was. Instead of pondering the question “maybe its them and not me?” I accepted every accusation as my fault, and trust me there were many times that it was. This did result in major growth, many opportunities to learn. BUT I didn't realize that many times those pointing the finger at me were really pointing the finger at themselves. And instead, I would lower my head, accept it, and take the beating.
As we get older our tolerance level goes down in many ways. Our tolerance for late nights and little sleep, loud obnoxious music, alcohol, and bad reality tv (well for some of us ;) gets smaller and smaller. But most importantly we adopt an unwillingness to put up with bullshit. An intolerance that comes with the realization that life is really short and someday we will die. Many people are surprised when they learn I was an extremely shy girl growing up. I would rather take an F on my book report than get up in front of my class and read it out loud. I lived so much of my life in fear. I would cower from confrontation and was always concerned with what people thought of me.
This is why I became a people pleaser and a yes girl/woman. I may have broken out of my shell but that girl that was always afraid of upsetting the balance is still in there and she's working really hard to break through that.
For some reason I tended to surround myself with dominating figures. Being a person with this people pleasing tendency can mean you put up with a lot of abuse whether it's physical or verbal. I've stayed when I should have left many many times. It meant apologizing and taking the blame because the fight just wasn't worth it, they were too powerful. This resulted in merciless negative self-talk and shame. I made the same mistake of not standing up for myself over and over and over again. It took me a VERY long time to learn my lesson.
I'm writing this because I know there's a lot of people out there like me. And I want you to know that you can let this fear go. You can accept that sometimes you are absolutely going to fuck up. But if you take each fuck up as an opportunity to learn and become a better version of yourself that is the best you can do. It doesn't mean that if you mess up once, twice, or three times people will be waiting for you to do it again; and if they are then forget them. It takes a warrior to own up to your mistakes and do the work to learn from them. Be proud of that and stand in your power! Those are the people I choose to surround myself with. I am no longer a mouse! I am a mother fucking lion!