Am I Good Enough?

Photographer: Natali Zollinger 

Photographer: Natali Zollinger 

Within our careers as athletes Natali and I have put our other passions to the side. Not forgotten but not giving them our all. We’re not going to be athletes forever, it’s important we remember that, it forces us to look further into the future instead of as far as the upcoming season. 

Costa Rica has given us the opportunity to really immerse ourselves into our other loves; me and my writing, her and her fitness. I’ve never written more than I have since I got here. The words just keep coming. I think that’s because each day feels fresh here. 

Back home, we would carry so much shit with us from one day to the next. The stress from the day before doesn’t dissipate as the sun sets over the horizon, it sticks around and gets buried beneath the upset of wanting to and not being able to do everything. It builds and builds until we can barely get out of bed, weighed down by each incomplete task and feeling of discontent that stems from feeling stagnant. 

But here, it’s different. I don’t know what it is. This year-round Summer makes it difficult to have a real grasp on time or have any real sense of urgency. It’s very predictable, the sun rises at 5:30 and sets at the same time every. single. day. 365 days a year. We’re in the dry season now, the west coasts Summer, so it’s sunny and HOT every day. This predictability allows for routine.

Anyone who has been keeping up with this blog would say I’m not a creature of habit, that I don’t like routine. But there’s a side to me that needs it to stay focused on work. During the Winter months I become more of a home body and maintaining my morning rituals is a top priority. Coffee is the key ingredient; my secret to success. Every morning I wake up before the sun, I sit on the porch with my cup of coffee, the jungle sounds, and a pen and paper. I’ll sit there for hours. There’s only two things that can disrupt my morning routine; surfing and Paddle9 work. 

I’m not sure where my writing will take me. Writing has been the only real constant in my life, I’ve been keeping a journal since I learned how to write. It’s always been my outlet. But I feel like my writing has a long way to go. Every time I write I learn something about myself and get closer to finding my voice. But I’m not there yet. My dream is to become completely mobile and my words my source of income. 

I write often about not making excuses and here I am creating them to not take my writing to the next level. I tell myself it’s unoriginal, unsophisticated, and self-centered. How is my writing any different from all the other writers and bloggers in this digital age? Who would I write for? How much am I worth? All questions I’ve been putting off answering because I’m afraid of being right, I’m afraid that the denial will take away all the joy that writing gives me. Or maybe it’s because I’m afraid of being proven wrong and then having to do the work. 

The point is, I’m tired of the excuses. I love keeping up my blog but it’s time for me to figure out how to reach a bigger audience. It’s time to skip the bullshit and stop making excuses. I’m done waiting until I feel ready or until I take that writing class I keep talking about…I’m just going to do it. 

The Mountains and Me

I’ve always had such big dreams. Living life like the world could end. The problem is I’m always looking for the next best thing; making it hard to truly be in the moment. There are very few things in life that allow me to turn off time. When I wake up to the dramatic stance of the  mountain ranges towering over me basking in all the suns glory piercing the pink morning sky  I feel empowered to take on my day. It’s also  almost like I’m being mocked by something that is much greater than me and will always be way beyond my understanding. These mountains seem to hold wisdom, the kind of wisdom you can’t understand until you’ve earned each and every foot of elevation to the summit. Even then, when sitting on top of the world, my insignificance is magnified. But I feel the safest I’ve ever felt anywhere. In the raised hands of the earth you get a glimpse of what life is like in the clouds with the birds. It’s here where there is nothing better. I can’t think about the past or the future. Time does not exist. If I were to die here it would be the most beautiful and peaceful of deaths. That trip into the unknown made that much easier because you’re already that much closer to the heavens.